Monday, January 08, 2007
numb.
she watched.
and waited.
they walked..
aimless.
no feeling, no emotion.
she was back; she in me.
she gazed into the distance, looking past the horizon.
she stood still; in numbness she witnessed.
one after another, they left like the others.
no tears, no sadness.
it was but pure betrayal.
the repeated pounding of the drums; the resounding echo of broken trust.
then she paused.
and smiled.
she had never trusted in the first place,
hadn't she?
bliss.
one word says it all.
trust-and your utopia will never come to pass.
believe-and you carve out your weakness and breed fragility in your being.
follow-and you'll find your lift chugged cruely down the path of destruction.
the cycle follows.
an enervation of mind greater than any fatigue.
i don't need people.
i'm one imperfect bug myself.
one sole imperfectly moulded jar is enough to ruin a skilled potter.
adding one damaged soul upon another is most unimaginable.
she stands and from above she scans the masses.
no one.
again.
she knew that she'd never find one who would ever understand.
she, in me.
kye.
11:19 PM
Thursday, January 04, 2007
delusion.
the more you say no, the more i'd want a yes.
its all natural, so quit blaming, quit pushing me around.
i'm me. i do what i want.
i know what i want.
there are those who think they know you.
they think that "hey, she's still living under the same roof as us!we feel so loved."
fools.
i don't stay where i don't want to be for the sake of love.
love isn't real.
i don't believe in it.
its an illusion, so the weak hearted can find refuge.
its delusion. its but a dream.
i don't love to do anything.
desire-- thats more logical, that it is.
and it's that strong sense of wanting to accomplish something, or to prevent myself from becoming what i don't like but see around me that keeps me going.
i'd place myself in the face of death, at the tip of the exploding pistol.
i'll stand at the opening of an erupting volcano, swim through a shark's breeding ground.
i could give up things, people, god-forsaken dreams for practical reasons.
my mind is that of a shrewd young woman.
i scheme.
every minute, every second.
i won't fall prey to restrictions;
breaking every inhibition.
no more delusioned.
yes, a lasting conclusion.
kye.
1:26 AM
Monday, December 25, 2006
solitude.
being alone isn't as bad as it sounds.
there are those who truly understand the meaning and the serenity that comes with self-contructed loneliness.
and there are others who feign the knowledge of this dignified emotion with a fleeting statement like "nobody likes to be alone".
i like it.
to be by myself, not lost, but just.. alone.
lost in a world that only i myself can understand.
creating images that i'd never be able to see around me; seeing them come alive.
call me a lunatic; a freak who seeks to distant herself from her memories, the people around her.
call me stupid, for what are others made for, if man could live, to survive on his own?
but being alone has strangely, no, it has gradually become a significant part of me.
a part that if intruded, would produce waves of anger and frustration.
it's not just some "teen-thing"where one desires privacy and concealment.
it the aftertaste of savouring that moment of comforting quietness, the feeling of being right by myself; understanding the parts of me people think they can grasp and cruely scrutinize.
loneliness helps me to find out more about myself.
and to uncover the yearn to somehow push everyone away.
to be locked in a daze, an everlasting trance that shields me from every hypocrite who walk on this planet.
that's my definition of happiness, that's what i've always wanted.
i remember.. i remember those tears that flowed endlessly in the face of loneliness and pain.
how foolish i was to think that it was but torture.
it was the creation of happiness. it was the making of the true me.
and i want it back.
i want that sense of solace back.
the peace that encapsulates and surrounds.
i'll laugh in the face of what the world deems as "gloomy"loneliness.
i falter at the feet of the people.
i tremble when others invade into this fragile barrier that i have so painstakingly cultivated.
the palpitating heartbeat; cold sweat trickling down my neck.
that dark sensation washes over me ever to often these days.
it spells fear.
fear-- that my wall of refuge will crumble.
that people will rip me off the only prize possession that i treasure.
my solitude.
don't take this away from me too.
kye.
3:47 AM
Thursday, December 14, 2006
stay by me.
i often pray that pain will go away;
that trouble will cease to exist.
that in whatever i do, i'll succeed.
that obstacles will not come my way; that there'll always light paving the way.
but come to think of it, it was in those times of peril or pain that i was geared back to God.
when i was free of it.. i was back, living the life without destination or purpose.
a walking skeleton clothed in deceit and the evil of this world.
i scamper back onto the path of destruction, onto the path that leads deep into the bottomless abyss.
i become what the world desires-- filth.
useless and aimless.
its in those times of adversity that i fall back onto the right path.
so i guess with my character comes the price to pay
pain--
stay by me.
kye.
7:27 AM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
completion.
it's over.
officially.
this long drawn battle has finally come to a close.
yet till now, i still have not fully grasped the meaning of it.
i'm free.
or at least i'm still trying to convince myself.
months.
for months, i'd abandoned who i used to be, what others used to see.
and this sudden release from bondage just seems too good to be true.
as i watched one person after another fade into and out of my life, the emotions boiled up within me. tearing off the markers from my notes as each subject was completed made me feel so lost, so distant.
i had cultivated such a strong attachment to the notes i read through everyday. the grades that i achieved were what defined me. i've put everything into this, and leaving them all means leaving a part of me behind.
it's unsettling.
unnerving.
i can't stop fidgeting.
i'm back.
i'm back to who i used to be.
no.
i've changed. thru it all, i've evolved.
i realised that i'd uncovered many things about myself that i'd never known before.
how competitive i can be, how much i was willing to forgo for one shot at what i deemed as the mark of a successful individual.
i gave up so much.
i gave up my family, friends; i gave up God, i'd given up everything.
yet they waited for me.
they stood by, hoping, wishing, that i'd be back.
that i'll return, just like the prodigal son.
and as i laid in bed tossing about on the eve of my last paper, i could feel the excitment,
the anxiety.
that before long, i'd be free,
that i'll be me.
it was then that i realised how much it reflected the heart of the Father.
how it must have felt for Him to be standing atop that hill, watching, waiting, for his lost sheep to return.
heart thobbing, almost bursting.
waiting, for the final return.
now that everything has come to a close, i dunno.
i'm numb.
i acted like an estatic fool, but deep down, i was numb instead.
the aftermath of pushing aside every bit of emotion in me for the past year has shown its lethal effects.
i can't feel anymore.
everything is but a fleeting sensation.
i realise that i can't leave who i was a few months ago just as yet.
wait for me, please.
a little while longer..
just a little while.
so another chapter has closed.
and right before i know it, another has begun.
completion is only a term used to mark the beginning of an entirely different concept.
come what may, this time..
i'll be ready.
bring it on.
kye.
7:29 AM