completion.

it's over.
officially.

this long drawn battle has finally come to a close.
yet till now, i still have not fully grasped the meaning of it.

i'm free.

or at least i'm still trying to convince myself.



months.

for months, i'd abandoned who i used to be, what others used to see.
and this sudden release from bondage just seems too good to be true.

as i watched one person after another fade into and out of my life, the emotions boiled up within me. tearing off the markers from my notes as each subject was completed made me feel so lost, so distant.

i had cultivated such a strong attachment to the notes i read through everyday. the grades that i achieved were what defined me. i've put everything into this, and leaving them all means leaving a part of me behind.

it's unsettling.
unnerving.
i can't stop fidgeting.



i'm back.
i'm back to who i used to be.

no.
i've changed. thru it all, i've evolved.
i realised that i'd uncovered many things about myself that i'd never known before.
how competitive i can be, how much i was willing to forgo for one shot at what i deemed as the mark of a successful individual.

i gave up so much.
i gave up my family, friends; i gave up God, i'd given up everything.
yet they waited for me.
they stood by, hoping, wishing, that i'd be back.
that i'll return, just like the prodigal son.

and as i laid in bed tossing about on the eve of my last paper, i could feel the excitment,
the anxiety.
that before long, i'd be free,
that i'll be me.

it was then that i realised how much it reflected the heart of the Father.
how it must have felt for Him to be standing atop that hill, watching, waiting, for his lost sheep to return.
heart thobbing, almost bursting.
waiting, for the final return.

now that everything has come to a close, i dunno.
i'm numb.

i acted like an estatic fool, but deep down, i was numb instead.
the aftermath of pushing aside every bit of emotion in me for the past year has shown its lethal effects.

i can't feel anymore.
everything is but a fleeting sensation.

i realise that i can't leave who i was a few months ago just as yet.

wait for me, please.
a little while longer..
just a little while.




so another chapter has closed.
and right before i know it, another has begun.

completion is only a term used to mark the beginning of an entirely different concept.


come what may, this time..
i'll be ready.

bring it on.

kye.
7:29 AM